Digging Deep To Find Your Self-worth
By Kia. G
Self worth is defined as “one’s own perception of value as a person”. That definition is very straight and to the point, but the actual meaning varies, depending on the person. Take my perception of my self worth, it is very distorted to say the least. I have had to really do some searching to determine if I actually saw any value in myself.
From a very young age I felt abandoned and not wanted. If you were an adult in my life, you may have seen that I was saved and given what they considered a good life. I was taken from Nickerson Garden Projects, in California and placed in a middle-class family home in Florida. No matter how good it was, the young me did not understand why my parents did not want me. Hearing many different stories of what occurred and why I was taken never answered my questions. The abandonment I felt as a child only grew as I aged. The self doubt and worthlessness felt like a mountain I wasn’t fit to climb. Those feelings turned into neediness and the sense of not being enough. I often felt that I had to deal with being treated badly in order not to be left alone. I had to take some bumps and bruises to feel loved.
"I felt abandoned and not wanted"
I stayed in relationships that I knew were bad for me because I doubted I could ever find another. Someone that would see through the insecurities and help uncover the gem that laid beneath. No matter how many times I succeeded or how many times I overcame, the feeling of not being worthy was lurking. The degrees I attained nor the letters accumulating behind my name made me feel that I owned my lane. I saw the beauty in others and often helped them see just how much talent they had to offer. I was able to help others see their potential, all while wondering if I could ever just live up to my own purpose.
All of my doubts were magnified ten times over when I thought of what others may think of me. If I made the wrong decision, what would they think? If I failed at something, would they talk about me? If I succeeded how many people would secretly hate me? My self doubt along with worrying about how others would react to my life, made my definition of self worth anything but what Google said it should be.
As you are reading this, I can imagine what you may be saying. It may be, ”Why should I listen to her?” or “Her life is all the way jacked up”. The truth of the matter is I no longer care. I dug real deep to uncover all of the reasons why I had so much self doubt and why I felt so unworthy. I dealt with each of the issues one by one. Was it easy? Not at all. I still stumble and I still fall. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I question why. I look at the scale and sometimes the number in my bank account. None of those things make me who I am and none of those things determine what I am meant to be. I embrace my struggles and my storms. My tests are true testaments of how I have overcome. Without them I would not have the testimony of making it through. I am learning daily to love me, as only I can, and walk my journey as only I can. I am worthy and I am truly me… My definition of self worth is confidence in who I am at all cost. Standing up for what is right and not explaining why it is wrong. Not asking for forgiveness on the road to making me happy and not standing in others shadow. I am adding to my definition as I continue to grow. It may be hard to write your definition, but guess what, it is yours! Now write it!
2 thoughts on “Digging Deep to Find Your Self-worth”
You’re right digging deep is hard but it’s the only way to really know who we are and become who want to be. Love this!!!
It is hard but much needed. Sometimes digging brings some harsh realities and truths. Be prepared to go through the process.
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