Blow That _ Out
By Kia G.
The feeling of guilt and shame is sometimes more than I can bear. Not that I have done anything that is horribly wrong, just not the norm for me. When you decide to just live and let go, things you thought were not within reach now seem so close. Should you feel guilty about enjoying things that make you smile, things that ultimately help mend your broken heart?
How do you determine what is right and what is wrong? How do you know which things to enjoy and which things you shouldn’t indulge in? Is there even a right and wrong when you are just living? It is not commandments that are being broken or even sins that are committed, but there is an underlying guilt of just living and being happy.
The answers to these questions should be quite simple, but yet they feel like I am taking a calculus test. My favorite line, “just pray about it” is haunting me at this very moment and also mocking me at the same time. I pray loud and I pray often, but it seems like to no avail.
My prayers seem to be coming back void or am I missing the message? The guilt and shame that weighs me down may be the freeness and happiness I have not known. It may be a breath of fresh air and sweet aromas, but to me, the one who is over critical does not know what to feel.
When I sit and take inventory, I realize just how critical I am of myself. I over analyze situations, often sending myself into a tailspin of doubt, anger, sadness, and most of all self-pity. I have had to look in the mirror and say, “girl, let that shit out and keep it moving.
The feelings of not being god enough or being overlooked are staring me in the face. The thoughts of you’ll never be happy are echoing loudly in my ears. The dreams of better days are just not possible for a girl like me. I can be stuck here with these thoughts or feelings or I can choose to blow those thoughts out and live….
I am very sensitive, easily overly stressed and overthink any and every situation. In order for me not to be bogged down by the weight of a choice, decision, or situation, I have to breathe and blow that shit out!
So today, whatever has you feeling overwhelmed or a little less on your game, take a deep breathe in….and blow that shit out…
